


Little brother

by brightfire



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode: s02e21 All Hell Breaks Loose, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, POV Dean Winchester, Season 2, Spoiler Alert - Freeform, The Winchester Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-21 22:25:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3706269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightfire/pseuds/brightfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Cold darkness seems fills my body where my heart used to be. I don't feel the pain I expected to feel, just a hollow emptiness. The feeling that something is missing. Something I need to live. Many people I loved died. Mum and dad. But I did get along every time. Not good of course, but I did. This time I feel like I can't go on anymore."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Little brother

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> I decided to translate one of my stories into english and, because it's my first attempt in writing english, i hope it's not too weird to read. Reading english is much easier than actually writing it and I think there may be many repetitions because of my lack of words. :D But I hope you like it nevertheless! :) (If you see any mistakes please tell me so I can change it! ;))  
> Here you can find the original: http://www.fanfiktion.de/s/531b49bc0002bc3111631178/1/Kleiner-Bruder

 

> **„Bobby: Something big is going down – end-of-the world big.**  
>  **Dean: Well, then let it end!**  
>  **Bobby: You don't mean that.**  
>  **Dean: You don't think so? Huh? You don't think I've given enough? You don't think I've paid enough? I'm done with it. All of it. And if you know what's good for you, you'd turn around, and get the hell out of here.“**  
>  _Supernatural, All Hell Breaks Loose Part 2 (2x22)_

 

The whole night i don't sleep a wink. Wide awake and wakeful I wander through the empty house. I've walked through every single room so many times that i lost count. I feel nothing, like a zombie - cold and inanimate. I'm afraid to hold on for more than i second and rest because every time I close my eyes I can see everything in my mind once again. I can see how he dies. I can remember every little detail of this moment. It is etched into my mind and i can't let go of it. I can't forget it. Sometimes the memory also attacks me in the daytime abruptly.

 

_By the time Bobby and I reach the abandoned village we can from a distance see Sam, who knocks out the dark skinned man in the army uniform at this very moment. I call his name and he turns to face us and moves toward Bobby and me. Then everything happens too fast._  
_The man behind Sam gets up on his feet again and reaches out for his knife. I shout out a warning to Sam, but it is too late. The other one is already behind him and hits him with his knife in the back._

_Sam stumbles, his face full of confusion and shock. Then his falls onto his knees._  
_My heart stops for a moment and I can't move or speak or breathe. But then I'm on my way to him, calling his name. Again and again._  
_Time is slowing down and every step takes so much time. An eternity seems to pass by since I'm next to Sam, who is lying on the ground motionless._

_I grab him by his shoulders and shake him, trying to get an answer or another sign that he is okay. But I know he is not._  
_I tell him that everything will be okay, but I know that this is not the truth._  
_I hold him tight, rocking back and forth, speaking little words of encouragement, although I know that they're all lies._  
_He doesn't answer, he just lays there with his mouth wide open and his eyes filled with pain. His breathing is hard and gasping._

_And all at once he is still. I can feel his body relax and getting heavy in my arms and I realise that he is... dead. And it's irretrievable._

_My little brother is dead. Sammy isn't there anymore._

_I wrap my arms aroung him and hold him tight to my chest. I won't let go. Never again._

_After a while I become aware that the rain is gone. Instead tears are running over my face. I shout out his name one last time, like a cry of a wounded animal. I can't believe it. This can't be real._

_But at the same time I'm painfully aware that this is real. Sammy is dead._

 

I bury my face in my hands. The memory is still fresh and it hurts every time I think of it. It leaves me feeling like I can't breathe and staring at my bare hands, in which my brother lay as he died.  
The worst thing in this moment was that I didn't know what to do. I felt helpless, I couldn't help Sammy. I couldn't save him. I had to see him dying in my arms and I couldn't do anything about it.  
The whole time I hoped that he could make it. I even prayed for him, although I don't really believe in God. He was never there when I needed him. As well as this time.

Since Sams death there is a deep whole in my chest. Cold darkness seems fills my body where my heart used to be. I don't feel the pain I expected to feel, just a hollow emptiness. The feeling that something is missing. Something I need to live. Many people I loved died. Mum and dad. But I did get along every time. Not good of course, but I did. This time I feel like I can't go on anymore. I'm spinning around in circles and I'm afraid that if I make the next step I might fall. Moreover, there is this endless exhaustion. My eyes are burning and my throat is dry. My arms and legs feel heavy.

In my head the memorys are whirling around. Memorys of older days. Memorys of my youth. How I looked for Sam, when my dad was on a hunt. Other kids may have complaned, if they always had to watch out for their siblings and of course so did I. But I never doubted that it was my duty.  
And then there are memorys of many days and nights, that I spent with Sam driving around in the Impala, drinking beer and playing tricks. We still were a little bit like children.

Again and again I'm going to little room, where he lies, looking for him. He is almost as white as the sheets and each time his look hits me like a hit in the stomach. But I can't help it. I have to look at him again because I hope that the next time I come back he will be sitting on the edge of his bed, looking exhausted, but _alive_.

I can hear his voice echoing in my head. _You have to go on, Dean. Just let me go._ But what if I don't want to? What if I can't? Without him my life feels worthless. There is no more meaning to it. Everything is fading away and the world seems to loose its colours.  
I always had one job: to protect Sammy. What else is there when he's gone?

„I'm sorry“, I say quietly, although I know that he can't hear me. Never again. I have to think about what the Djinn showed me. How our life could have been if our mother hadn't died. Sam would be engaged with Jessica and would be happy. _You've seen what had happened,_ Sam reminds me in my hand. _We didn't get along with each other and Dad would've died somehow or other._ But I shake my head obstinately. Sam would be alive and that is everything that counts.

Actually there is just one possibility: bring him back to live. I could to it. His life in exchange for mine and a few years to be with him. Maybe I get ten years. Ten years is a long time to catch up on everything we didn't do. We will quit the hunting and just _live_. Sam could go to college once again and study law. He could have a normal life like he always wanted to have.  
All I need is a box with graveyard dirt, a black cat's bone and a picture. It would be so easy. _You shouldn't do it, Dean!_ I wouldn't do it, if it wasn't for Sam. But there is no other way. Sam is dead and it is my fault. I have to make things right.

The deal would just balance everything again. I should have died more than one time and each time someone died so that I could live.  
_And this is why you should carry on_ , ~~my conscience~~ Sam interrupts me. _If you give up now, their deaths were unnecessary. And you know that you shouldn't bring back the dead._  
But I ignore the voice in my head. I'm sure what to do. It is the right thing.

 

„You're my brother“, I say and my voice dies away in the empty room. „For you I would go to the end of the world.“


End file.
